Living outside the margins

finding and creating beauty from the cracks

Originally published April 3, 2025

I started this piece last fall, after going back to my previous university for a visit, where I hung out with many of my “old” colleagues. I had just successfully defended my dissertation, but wasn’t ready for the kinds of queries I got from them.

Part of the “problem” with how I felt with them was that the frame of reference was so different. It did make me realize, though, how much I have changed … I can’t underestimate the time I spent healing and working through stuff and finding myself. I’m just not all that comfortable talking about or exposing that person to all of the “previous” environments yet, I guess. I hadn’t really thought about it before it happened. This was the first time I really was in an environment where I felt “put on the spot” about the changes I’ve made.

Not only the picking-up-and-moving-without-an-end-goal that had happened the year before, but the other observable—and not so observable—changes I hadn’t fully appreciated until this episode. Especially because many of these people aren’t the kinds of friends who I kept up with, just colleagues who knew I left and was working on my EdD, but didn’t really know where I “ended up” or what I was doing.

I had gotten un-used to the kinds of regular questions people ask in small-talk mode (to be fair, some of these people really did want to know what was going on with me), like “Where are you now? What are you doing? Where are you working?” Because while I was traveling and writing my dissertation, I had so little contact with people who were on the outskirts of my life, I struggled to articulate the fact that I wasn’t living a life that could be summed up in the kinds of regular answers they were looking for.

After some traveling, we settled in Pittsburgh. Yes, I was liking it. Yes, I was excited to be “done” with my program and dissertation. [No, I can’t really tell you what it's “about,” because I’ve struggled to come up with an appropriately pithy and understandable elevator pitch, because well, it's complicated.] I’m not working at another university, but doing freelance editing and working at Target part-time while I was writing {which was admittedly uncomfortable after being an Assistant Director and fully expecting to be “moving up”}. And to these people in particular, who although they all work at a university and many of them in (at least nominally) innovation, still have lives that reflect the “regular kind” in an American, hegemonic, capitalist sense, i.e. full-time jobs, houses in the suburbs, etc.

The experience got me feeling like I needed to work on some lifestyle elevator pitches for myself. Because even when I have the feeling of “being where and who I’m supposed to be” in myself (which of course is a big part of the Work!), it is a version that others outside of it may find "weird" and so I forget that I need to be able to put that into words. And then also feeling more comfortable expressing it to those who haven’t had front-row seats to the changes.

Embracing my unconventionality

Even now, months after that experience, I still struggle to communicate not only my “unconventional” lifestyle but also how happy I am with it (mostly). In this era of my life, I have intentionally embraced decisions that have created a life that I really enjoy and feel good in. Is it perfect? No. It is more precarious than I’d sometimes like? Yes. But am I learning a lot about myself and what I want and need? Oh yes!

I am:

• enjoying the freedom of being car-free, not tethered to the related bills and responsibilities; which enables me to work differently
• living in a city and state where I’m (mostly) not worried about my kiddo and have the ability to access healthcare for us both. [Yes I recognize that this is all precariously balanced with the dumpster fire that is the federal government right now]
• engaged with the outdoors/nature and my neighborhood, which is essentially effortless…as is healthy movement because I walk most everywhere
• getting to know my neighborhood, my community, and learning about it in an intimate way (walking and taking public transit)
• figuring out how to work in a healthy way that works for my brain type and may even be profitable (still figuring out all the details to making it profitable!)… And allows me to be present in so many parts of my life, and be able to maintain the kind of home I want so that it is a supportive environment for us
• able to have flexibility to spend time with friends and to be able to travel
• able to be more thoughtful and deliberate in many aspects of my life, which I sooo appreciate
• engaging in hobbies and activities I didn’t think I would be able to due to time or energy constraints (choir, local live music, writing, reading, etc.)

The dark side

Is it perfect? Absolutely not. I am still deeply concerned about the state of our world and country and all that means to me, my family, and everyone else. I’m still dealing with the mental load of living in a world preoccupied with productivity, feeling like I’ve never be able to read or write or think enough—for myself or for the societal expectations.

The current economic precarity can be scary, especially with kiddos still at home (luckily old enough to contribute, but not really ready to be out on their own completely). Being in the job market right now is definitely a depressing activity, and continually measuring my desire to be more stable financially against my nearly-equal desire to not be constrained by the shackles of a full-time job doesn’t help my mindset some days.

But for now, I’ve got what I need AND the optimistic attitude that keeps me trying to make this (or some version of it) work in the ways I want for myself and those I shelter. And honestly, the wins I’ve had so far have shown me that I’m on some kind of a right track, and they keep coming.

Celebrating the wins

I’m so grateful for the circumstances and mostly the PEOPLE in my life that have supported my vision and work—as I journey toward figuring out what that is! An important part of living this way is staying in touch with all of my blessings and achievements and taking the time to recognize them.

• I actually WROTE MY DISSERTATION and am a DOCTOR!
• I officially started my editing & writing coaching business Word Nerd Magic llc
• Had a wonderful meeting with the executive director of the Carnegie Project on the EdD that is headquartered at Pitt (I sent her a cold email, and she responded positively!)
• Started this blog project, as a way to get myself to write more often (which is mostly working)
• A paper I wrote based on my dissertation was accepted (in a competitive peer review process) to the prestigious Philosophy of Education Society conference—and one reviewer called it “important”!
• That paper kicked off an engaging conversation in its session at the conference, where I also met so many amazing scholars and people and felt like I found some of “my people” and left intellectually and spiritually reenergized.
• I am co-authoring an exciting paper with my mentor and dissertation advisor!
• An academic book chapter proposal that a client and I are coauthoring was accepted for inclusion!

I guess all of this is to say, don’t be afraid to live your own life, on your own terms, how YOU want and how it works for you. Yeah, sometimes its uncomfortable and not everyone will get it, and it might not always be fun or without struggle, but I for one think it’s definitely worth it. And that’s 50+ years of experience talking—and from a Doctor ;)